We know you’re a soulful surfer, but did you really intend to be celibate? Are dates a wistful memory? The last time a girl gave you her number, did it start with 555? Have you decided that women are just too finicky, too flaky, too unobtainable?
You may be a surf monk.
You saw Beach Blanket Bingo and Blue Crush–surfer dudes get chicks. Like the Beach Boys Said “There’ll be two swingin’ honey’s for every guy, and all you gotta do is just wink your eye”–chorus “two girls for ev-ry guy.” So where’s yours? Instead of Frankie Avalon, you’re more like Jeff Spicoli. Chickless.
I’ve watched surfer dudes in the bars, trying to chat up the tourist chicks. The few that manage to make contact don’t maintain it long. Geeky software dudes have a better batting average. It’s all a little sad, but I know ALL about the problem, and I figured out the solution a long time ago. The knowledge does me no good, I married the coolest girl I ever met. And I’m not just saying that because she’ll probably read this (hi hon, love you). So I might as well tell you all about it. Sit down Grasshopper, and learn. But first let me present my qualifications as your mentor.
I once fell for the same jive: I figured if I rode a motorcycle I’d get the babes. I saw the advertisements. Chicks love bikes. I lived, breathed and ate motorcycles, but it started because I was a completely clueless science nut who lived inside his books and only dreamed of dating real women. Motorcycles would fix that, thought I.
I raced bikes, drove them on the street, worked on them until my nails were permanently black, understood everything about them. Didn’t buy my first car until I was 24. Looked, walked, talked and smelled like a biker (instead of a would-be physicist).
Women crossed the street to avoid me.
But the advertisements said…! Yeah, well about that. I didn’t wind up being a physicist, instead I spent the last twenty years in advertising. I’ll tell you that “truth in advertising” isn’t even an oxymoron. Just a happy accident. When we’re planning a campaign we don’t worry about the truth. We worry about what would make a 19 year old guy buy a motorcycle (or a surfboard). That’s simple–girls.
So they lied, get over it.
But after striking out with women in every way possible, I decided I needed to do something about it. I saw guys that didn’t seem to be that special doing just fine with the ladies. I was kind of grubby, but not despicable. I cleaned up okay.
What I did was study the subject. I’m really, really, awfully good at digging into things in a semi-scientific way. I’m the poster child for attention deficit disorder, but when something is important to me I can take it apart and figure out how it works as well as anyone I ever met. For you readers of the feminine persuasion, please don’t think I’m intentionally ignoring you, it’s just that I studied this as a guy, and there’s not much I could or would do about that.
So that’s my qualifications, sketchy as they might sound. But I did get very good at meeting women. I obsessed about it, did experiments, practiced constantly, took notes and observed the good, the bad, and the hopeless. I once bet a friend I could leave a bar with the best looking woman there in less than ten minutes. It took less than two. Of COURSE I cheated–that’s the point grasshopper–make it easy on yourself and get results. It comes down to two simple things.
So there you are, drinking a beer in the bar with your other surf monk buddies, complaining because there’s just no women that aren’t flakes, meaning there aren’t any that are interested in you. Here’s what you do about it.
Preparation: Look human. Sure, you’ll see some very oddly turned out guys with very interesting-looking women. But do you really need a potential handicap? Your knit bill cap might be your friend, and some girls will even like it–there are nine of them in the world. Chances of meeting them are not good.
You want to stand out–be a little outrageous, but you shouldn’t look like you might smell funny. If you’re totally lost, ask a friend’s girlfriend or even your sister to pick out clothes for you. If you get your head in the right space it will be more fun than you’d expect, and you’ll look the way a WOMAN wants you to look, which is what this is all about.
Step one: Immediate engagement. You walk into a place, scan to find the most interesting looking apparently unattached woman, IMMEDIATELY walk over and say hi.
“Wow, I can’t do that”, you say.
You must.
Why is this important? Here’s my observation (and I watched this hundreds of times–you can too, it happens in every party bar, every day). A guy walks into a bar and sits down by himself. Starts looking at the women. For about two minutes the women in the bar are mildly interested–who is this guy? What’s his story? Is he alone? But that moment passes as he sits around working up his courage. Not only is he no longer new and interesting, he’s a little weird. He settles on two women he’s interested in and starts looking at them more intently. By the time he makes a decision to approach one, she thinks he’s an axe murdering stalker–or might as well be.
The gals at the showcase appear to have spotted something interesting
Tell me this, if some guy started staring at you, how long would it take for you to start worrying about him? Even if it was a woman, unless she took action fairly soon you’d start twitching. Should you go over, what should you say? Is she a nut, on crack, looking for money? Is she trying to piss off her boyfriend so he’ll kick your butt?
Another reason is less visible, but if you’re honest with yourself you can detect it in your own actions. You sit there looking at the women. Slowly accumulating negative reactions that make it impossible for you to act. “Too pretty, she’d just shoot me down. Too loud. Three girls together–that can’t work”. And finally “there’s nobody here, might as well finish my beer and go home”.
So immediate action is the most important step. Absolutely. You can practice this until it feels normal. Go out with the express purpose of practicing. No real intent to engage. Pick women that are in a group. Walk up and say hi. Introduce yourself. “Hello, I’m Bill, how are you folks doing tonight?” You haven’t risked a thing–if they treat you poorly then it’s their insecurity and unfriendliness that caused it. You were just being nice. But nine point nine times out of ten someone in the group will be nice right back. And you start talking.
Step two: What do I talk about?Small talk is a lost art. A great conversation is something that stays with you for weeks, months, years–just because it’s so rare. Conversation is not stories about yourself–especially ones that aren’t true. Certainly not stories about your enthusiasms. Hey, you and I can talk about surfing until the sun comes up. But if the girl you’re talking to doesn’t have coral cuts on her feet and knots on her knees, she’ll glaze over pretty quick. It’s even worse here on Maui where bragging about surfing is like being proud because you breathe well. Here everyone surfs. Their grandma surfs better than you. Their uncle is Dave Kalama. Don’t bother.
Maybe you’d like to brag about your surfing to Ashley. Bad idea. Not only is SHE better than you, but her little brother, and everyone she knows is too.
I’m not going to try to reverse a hundred years of decline and teach you how to have a polite and stimulating conversation. So keep it simple and stick with the safest topic of all–her. Get her talking and just listen, dropping in encouraging questions whenever she slows down. At the end of the evening she’ll think you’re the most interesting person she’s ever talked with.
Let’s dispense with your criticism of this. Are they so shallow, egotistical and insecure that the only thing you can talk to them about is themselves? If the answer is ‘Yes” and she’s beautiful, does it matter? But of course it’s more complex than just that. Remember, we’re looking for a safe topic not only for you, but also for her. If you talk about things she doesn’t know about, how well is that going to work? The topic of her is safe for both of you.
You start with simple but interesting questions: What brought you to Maui? What do you love about it? What have you done here that’s really fun? Have you found any good restaurants? Do you like the beach? What do you do for work? Do you find it fulfilling?
You need to really listen. Look into her eyes and pay attention. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next, listen to her and think about what she is saying. You don’t need to be cleaver, you need to be focused.
Once you get someone talking about themselves, they’ll go on until they get embarrassed about talking too much–at which point you reassure them that you’re having the best conversation of your life. “Oh no, I’m having such a great time talking with you. This is SO much fun”. Say it like you mean it, and the truth is, it will be. Women are fun, especially if you pay attention to them.
One last thing about conversations–women don’t talk with their boobs, so don’t look there. Look straight into their eyes and smile a little fascinated smile. It might make them a little nervous, and I know it’s hard for you, but they’ll absolutely love it.
There’s a lot more of course. The trial close. Separating the twins (or not ). How to be aloof and make it matter. But we’ll save that for later. Two new things is enough for one session.
But we’ve got you started here, and if you really practice these simple things you’ll become very comfortable with them. Not only will you sometimes have a date, but you’ll also probably develop more women friends. They are delightful creatures. Who would you rather sit in a bar with, three women that you simply know and like or three of your grubby surfer buddies telling the same old stories. Even if they are all spoken for, no one can set you up better or faster than a woman friend. And things change. Friends become more than friends.
So here’s the weird thing about all this, and I’m not sure whether I should write this or not. This approach is pretty much exactly what your Mom probably told you when you were ten. “Don’t be so self-conscious, go over there right now and talk to that girl, don’t brag about yourself, you learn more by listening than talking”. All that basic manners stuff.
Go and practice those two little steps Grasshopper. You’ll be amazed.
You may be a surf monk.
You saw Beach Blanket Bingo and Blue Crush–surfer dudes get chicks. Like the Beach Boys Said “There’ll be two swingin’ honey’s for every guy, and all you gotta do is just wink your eye”–chorus “two girls for ev-ry guy.” So where’s yours? Instead of Frankie Avalon, you’re more like Jeff Spicoli. Chickless.
I’ve watched surfer dudes in the bars, trying to chat up the tourist chicks. The few that manage to make contact don’t maintain it long. Geeky software dudes have a better batting average. It’s all a little sad, but I know ALL about the problem, and I figured out the solution a long time ago. The knowledge does me no good, I married the coolest girl I ever met. And I’m not just saying that because she’ll probably read this (hi hon, love you). So I might as well tell you all about it. Sit down Grasshopper, and learn. But first let me present my qualifications as your mentor.
I once fell for the same jive: I figured if I rode a motorcycle I’d get the babes. I saw the advertisements. Chicks love bikes. I lived, breathed and ate motorcycles, but it started because I was a completely clueless science nut who lived inside his books and only dreamed of dating real women. Motorcycles would fix that, thought I.
I raced bikes, drove them on the street, worked on them until my nails were permanently black, understood everything about them. Didn’t buy my first car until I was 24. Looked, walked, talked and smelled like a biker (instead of a would-be physicist).
Women crossed the street to avoid me.
But the advertisements said…! Yeah, well about that. I didn’t wind up being a physicist, instead I spent the last twenty years in advertising. I’ll tell you that “truth in advertising” isn’t even an oxymoron. Just a happy accident. When we’re planning a campaign we don’t worry about the truth. We worry about what would make a 19 year old guy buy a motorcycle (or a surfboard). That’s simple–girls.
So they lied, get over it.
But after striking out with women in every way possible, I decided I needed to do something about it. I saw guys that didn’t seem to be that special doing just fine with the ladies. I was kind of grubby, but not despicable. I cleaned up okay.
What I did was study the subject. I’m really, really, awfully good at digging into things in a semi-scientific way. I’m the poster child for attention deficit disorder, but when something is important to me I can take it apart and figure out how it works as well as anyone I ever met. For you readers of the feminine persuasion, please don’t think I’m intentionally ignoring you, it’s just that I studied this as a guy, and there’s not much I could or would do about that.
So that’s my qualifications, sketchy as they might sound. But I did get very good at meeting women. I obsessed about it, did experiments, practiced constantly, took notes and observed the good, the bad, and the hopeless. I once bet a friend I could leave a bar with the best looking woman there in less than ten minutes. It took less than two. Of COURSE I cheated–that’s the point grasshopper–make it easy on yourself and get results. It comes down to two simple things.
So there you are, drinking a beer in the bar with your other surf monk buddies, complaining because there’s just no women that aren’t flakes, meaning there aren’t any that are interested in you. Here’s what you do about it.
Preparation: Look human. Sure, you’ll see some very oddly turned out guys with very interesting-looking women. But do you really need a potential handicap? Your knit bill cap might be your friend, and some girls will even like it–there are nine of them in the world. Chances of meeting them are not good.
You want to stand out–be a little outrageous, but you shouldn’t look like you might smell funny. If you’re totally lost, ask a friend’s girlfriend or even your sister to pick out clothes for you. If you get your head in the right space it will be more fun than you’d expect, and you’ll look the way a WOMAN wants you to look, which is what this is all about.
Step one: Immediate engagement. You walk into a place, scan to find the most interesting looking apparently unattached woman, IMMEDIATELY walk over and say hi.
“Wow, I can’t do that”, you say.
You must.
Why is this important? Here’s my observation (and I watched this hundreds of times–you can too, it happens in every party bar, every day). A guy walks into a bar and sits down by himself. Starts looking at the women. For about two minutes the women in the bar are mildly interested–who is this guy? What’s his story? Is he alone? But that moment passes as he sits around working up his courage. Not only is he no longer new and interesting, he’s a little weird. He settles on two women he’s interested in and starts looking at them more intently. By the time he makes a decision to approach one, she thinks he’s an axe murdering stalker–or might as well be.
The gals at the showcase appear to have spotted something interesting
Tell me this, if some guy started staring at you, how long would it take for you to start worrying about him? Even if it was a woman, unless she took action fairly soon you’d start twitching. Should you go over, what should you say? Is she a nut, on crack, looking for money? Is she trying to piss off her boyfriend so he’ll kick your butt?
Another reason is less visible, but if you’re honest with yourself you can detect it in your own actions. You sit there looking at the women. Slowly accumulating negative reactions that make it impossible for you to act. “Too pretty, she’d just shoot me down. Too loud. Three girls together–that can’t work”. And finally “there’s nobody here, might as well finish my beer and go home”.
So immediate action is the most important step. Absolutely. You can practice this until it feels normal. Go out with the express purpose of practicing. No real intent to engage. Pick women that are in a group. Walk up and say hi. Introduce yourself. “Hello, I’m Bill, how are you folks doing tonight?” You haven’t risked a thing–if they treat you poorly then it’s their insecurity and unfriendliness that caused it. You were just being nice. But nine point nine times out of ten someone in the group will be nice right back. And you start talking.
Step two: What do I talk about?Small talk is a lost art. A great conversation is something that stays with you for weeks, months, years–just because it’s so rare. Conversation is not stories about yourself–especially ones that aren’t true. Certainly not stories about your enthusiasms. Hey, you and I can talk about surfing until the sun comes up. But if the girl you’re talking to doesn’t have coral cuts on her feet and knots on her knees, she’ll glaze over pretty quick. It’s even worse here on Maui where bragging about surfing is like being proud because you breathe well. Here everyone surfs. Their grandma surfs better than you. Their uncle is Dave Kalama. Don’t bother.
Maybe you’d like to brag about your surfing to Ashley. Bad idea. Not only is SHE better than you, but her little brother, and everyone she knows is too.
I’m not going to try to reverse a hundred years of decline and teach you how to have a polite and stimulating conversation. So keep it simple and stick with the safest topic of all–her. Get her talking and just listen, dropping in encouraging questions whenever she slows down. At the end of the evening she’ll think you’re the most interesting person she’s ever talked with.
Let’s dispense with your criticism of this. Are they so shallow, egotistical and insecure that the only thing you can talk to them about is themselves? If the answer is ‘Yes” and she’s beautiful, does it matter? But of course it’s more complex than just that. Remember, we’re looking for a safe topic not only for you, but also for her. If you talk about things she doesn’t know about, how well is that going to work? The topic of her is safe for both of you.
You start with simple but interesting questions: What brought you to Maui? What do you love about it? What have you done here that’s really fun? Have you found any good restaurants? Do you like the beach? What do you do for work? Do you find it fulfilling?
You need to really listen. Look into her eyes and pay attention. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next, listen to her and think about what she is saying. You don’t need to be cleaver, you need to be focused.
Once you get someone talking about themselves, they’ll go on until they get embarrassed about talking too much–at which point you reassure them that you’re having the best conversation of your life. “Oh no, I’m having such a great time talking with you. This is SO much fun”. Say it like you mean it, and the truth is, it will be. Women are fun, especially if you pay attention to them.
One last thing about conversations–women don’t talk with their boobs, so don’t look there. Look straight into their eyes and smile a little fascinated smile. It might make them a little nervous, and I know it’s hard for you, but they’ll absolutely love it.
There’s a lot more of course. The trial close. Separating the twins (or not ). How to be aloof and make it matter. But we’ll save that for later. Two new things is enough for one session.
But we’ve got you started here, and if you really practice these simple things you’ll become very comfortable with them. Not only will you sometimes have a date, but you’ll also probably develop more women friends. They are delightful creatures. Who would you rather sit in a bar with, three women that you simply know and like or three of your grubby surfer buddies telling the same old stories. Even if they are all spoken for, no one can set you up better or faster than a woman friend. And things change. Friends become more than friends.
So here’s the weird thing about all this, and I’m not sure whether I should write this or not. This approach is pretty much exactly what your Mom probably told you when you were ten. “Don’t be so self-conscious, go over there right now and talk to that girl, don’t brag about yourself, you learn more by listening than talking”. All that basic manners stuff.
Go and practice those two little steps Grasshopper. You’ll be amazed.
