No Soap 4 You

Surf Guest–That Soap Is Not For You

Once again this column is aimed mostly at guys. It’s not that I’m some kind of pig (though I am) it’s just that I’m male. The notion that I might understand a woman’s viewpoint about guest etiquette is laughable. I’m simply describing reactions and taboos from the position of dispassionate observer. Napoleon Chagnon observing the Yanomami in the dark heart of the amazon. Besides, the topic of this article is no help to women–they understand this stuff from birth. Though it may be useful to women to print a few copies, laminate them, and molly bolt them onto walls anywhere male guests might wander in search of a resting place, food, or relief of basic bodily imperatives.
So you’ve been invited to stay at someone’s beach house. It’s close to good breaks and therefore it’s a great place even if the floors tilt fifteen degrees. You’d like to come back someday. You’d like these people to still be speaking to you after three days of exposure to your habits. But you’re an untamed, natural creature, child of the ocean, at one with your true soul.
Well that ain’t gonna work. If you expose that dog to anyone with sensibilities, much less a woman, they will do anything short of burning the house to make sure you never cross the threshold again. This is a step-by-step plan for utterly fooling people into thinking you are remarkably civilized for a guy whose wardrobe consists of board shorts, rash guards, freebie T-shirts and a crusty hoodie.
You need to memorize this, so I’m going to keep it simple. No explanations–just rules. Besides, I don’t know why these are rules, they puzzle me too.
1. Case the bedroom: If the bed has a decorative cover, a sham (the ruffly thing that hides the wheels and dust bunnies) decorative pillows and/or stuffed animals you will not be sleeping there. DO NOT pull back the covers or disturb the pillows unless you take a photograph that enables you to put things back EXACTLY as they were. Either sleep on the floor beside the bed or try the front lawn.
2. Examine the bathroom: If it is a shared bathroom DO NOT undertake elimination after eating five Spam Musabe or even a single Chile Verde burrito. There is no spray, “aromatherapy experience” or amount of fresh air that will eliminate the lingering evidence of your gastronomic excesses. Lift the seat to pee, put it back down when you’re done. Seems like women could figure out if a toilet seat is up or not before they sit down, but apparently they can’t, and if you give them a surprise dip they will hate you until the sun is a black cinder.
3. The guest towels are not for you. They are easy to identify–they match, and they are brightly colored. You need to look for something in a drawer or cabinet that looks like a ratty beach towel, or perhaps something lifted from a holiday inn. Try not to get it too wet–it can double as a blanket when you’re sleeping on the floor.
4. The guest soap is also not for you. These are even easier to identify–they have probably never been wet and they are in some distinct shape–like fish or hearts. Again, search the cabinets and find a soap scrap with deep fissures, or perhaps an assortment of them that you can bind together with a little hot water.
5. If your buddy farts in front of his wife it’s not an invitation to a contest. Your best bet is a slightly pained and embarrassed look, like you’re not really sure what just transpired. Of course if she’s not around feel free to unleash your rendition of the 1812 overture.
6. Don’t offer to cook–a no win proposition. If it’s good you’re competing with the wife and upstaging your friend. If it’s bad you’re subjecting them to an unpleasant meal, if you make a mess you’re a pain, if you clean the whole kitchen you’re a neat freak who finds their housekeeping not up to your standards. When Suzy Homemaker makes you anything, including some strange casserole with green things and mushroom soup in it, act like you’ve just enjoyed the best thing since that crazy two weeks in Paris. Good idea to go for a walk afterwards (refer to rule five above).
7. Do the dishes. Takes twenty minutes, any fool can do it, and you’ll permanently be one of the good guys. You can screw up any of the rules above (except some parts of #2) and a bit of dish washing will put you back on an even standing–probationally.
8. Get lost. If you’re hanging out more than a single night you’ll be in the way. Unless your friends are a bit kinky they probably ain’t having sex if you’re hanging in the living room. A couple of days of that and even the kindest soul will wish you gone. Provide some space and make sure they know you’ll be gone for at least a couple of hours. Don’t come back early.
That’s about it. You can make life a lot simpler by staying with your bachelor buddies, but they usually don’t have much room, and their towels have hash marks.

SUP At Sunset

Five-year layoff doesn't hurt Kalama


By Dayton Morinaga
Advertiser Staff Writer



Kamu Auwae of Nanakuli put in a "hard day's work," winning one division and placing second in another.

BERNIE BAKER Special to The Honolulu Advertiser




Kamu Auwae




Ikaika Kalama




Thanks to courageous performances from Ikaika Kalama and Kamu Auwae, the opening contest of the 2008 Steinlager Shaka Longboard Series will be a tough act to follow.

Kalama won the pro-am division and Auwae won the stand-up paddle division in rough conditions at Sunset Beach. Wave-face heights ranged from 8 to 15 feet throughout the day, but strong onshore winds made it difficult for the surfers to paddle into the waves.


"The waves were all over the place and it was real windy out there," Kalama said. "It wasn't the best conditions, but it was still fun."


Around 50 competitors participated yesterday, including most of the state's best longboard surfers. In the pro-am division, surfers had to ride traditional longboards; in the stand-up paddle division, surfers could use a canoe-style paddle to help maneuver.


Kalama surprised himself by advancing to the pro-am final. He is better known as a professional big-wave surfer, and rarely rides a longboard.


"This is my first longboard contest in about five years," said Kalama, who is originally from the Big Island, but now resides in Waialua. "I'm going to try and do more this year."


In the 20-minute final for the pro-am division, Kalama caught just two waves, but it was enough to prevail.


His first wave received a score of 8.0 (out of 10), and his second received a 5.7.


"I think everybody was out of gas by the time the final got going," said Kalama, 28. "I only got two waves, so I wanted to make sure I did as much as I could on those two."

Kalama received $1,200 for the victory.


But most of the buzz on the beach surrounded Auwae. He won the stand-up paddle division, and also placed second in the pro-am division.


During a one-hour stretch, he surfed in three consecutive heats without a rest break — the stand-up paddle semifinal, the pro-am final, then the stand-up paddle final.


He had to change his board after each of those three heats, and was given a few seconds to paddle out to the wave lineup.


"I needed the workout; Ionly surfed once this week," he said with a laugh.


In truth, his arms started to cramp prior to the pro-am final, and he thought about withdrawing.


"Both my arms started cramping when I was paddling out," he said. "The (waves) had some size today, so I knew it would be dangerous if I was to cramp up out there. But I just stretched it out and told myself if I made it this far, I gotta go out and catch at least one wave."


His opening wave in the pro-am final received a score of 7.5, but his second wave received a 3.5. He earned $600 for second place.


Kai Sallas was third, and Koa Enriquez was fourth.


Enriquez scored a perfect 10 in the semifinals for a rare barrel ride, but he could not find any similar waves in the final.


In the stand-up paddle final, Auwae won it by catching just two waves. His first wave received a score of 8.5, and his second was a 7.0.


"You only need two waves, so my goal was to get two waves, then come in and rest," said Auwae, 28. "Lucky for me, I got two good ones."


Dave Parmenter placed second, Leleo Kinimaka was third, and Noland Martin fourth.

Several surfers competed in both the pro-am and stand-up paddle divisions, but Auwae was the only one to reach the semifinals for both divisions.


Auwae, who is from Nanakuli, said his primary focus was on the pro-am division, and he entered the stand-up paddle division "just for fun."


"Quiksilver is paying for my entries, so I'm hoping to do good for them in the longboard (contests)," he said. "Today was a hard day's work, but I'm happy with it."


The contest was the first of five in the 2008 Steinlager Shaka Longboard Series.


The series also features age-group divisions for amateur competitors. The amateur divisions will run today at Sunset Beach.


For more information on the series, visit www.hspsurf.org.

FINAL RESULTS

Pro-am: 1, Ikaika Kalama. 2, Kamu Auwae. 3, Kai Sallas. 4, Koa Enriquez. 5 (tie), Duane DeSoto and Dino Miranda.

Stand-up paddle: 1, Kamu Auwae. 2, Dave Parmenter. 3, Leleo Kinimaka. 4, Noland Martin. 5 (tie), Kekoa Uemura and Brian Keaulana.

2008 Steinlager Shaka Series

Upcoming contests

May 31-June 1: Kaka'ako Park

June 21-22: Queen's, Waikiki

July 19-20: Ala Moana Bowls

Sept. 13-14 or 20-21: Hale'iwa

Finally!!! Go Giants!!!

Molina's clutch homers boost Giants
Catcher's second long ball of game a walk-off shot in extras
By Chris Haft / MLB.com

SAN FRANCISCO -- Bengie Molina had never hit a walk-off home run, and chances are the power-challenged Giants won't win many games in that fashion.
So Molina wanted to savor the moment Tuesday night when his 11th-inning homer, his second of the game, gave the Giants a 3-2 decision over the San Diego Padres.
"After I touched first base, I wanted to come back home," Molina said after the Giants (2-6) ended their four-game losing streak.
Molina's dramatics ended a gripping standoff.
"It was a little nerve-racking, as close games always are," said Giants starter Tim Lincecum, who struck out seven in six innings and bequeathed a 2-1 lead to the bullpen.
The Giants took that slender lead into the ninth inning, but closer Brian Wilson surrendered the tying run after walking leadoff batter Josh Bard -- which often launches a disastrous inning. Brad Hennessey (1-0) struck out three in two scoreless innings, but the Giants squandered opportunities in the ninth and 10th innings, moving runners into scoring position both times.
Molina ultimately rewarded the Giants by clobbering Cla Meredith's 1-2 slider into the left-field seats.
"He's so nasty on righties," Molina said of Meredith (0-1), who owned a 0.89 career ERA against the Giants entering the game. "I was just hoping he'd throw something middle-in and he did."
Having lurched through the season's first week, the Giants seized the chance to revel in this triumph by engulfing Molina at home plate.
Asked if this was how he envisioned his first game-winning homer, Molina replied, "It was way, way much better than I thought it would be. .... What's amazing for me was to see the joy, the happiness, the smiles."
In a way, Molina's feat wasn't a surprise. He established himself as the Giants' top hitter under pressure last year by hitting .338 with runners in scoring position and two outs. No wonder manager Bruce Bochy named Molina, who has three of the team's four homers this year, to be the Giants' cleanup hitter before the season started.
"Bengie's so clutch," Bochy said. "He's the guy you want up there when you need a big hit."
Molina insisted that he maintains the same approach regardless of the situation.
"I don't think about those things," said Molina, who opened the scoring with his second-inning homer off Padres starter Randy Wolf. "I told you guys from the get-go that I'm just a hitter. I'm not a fourth batter or a fifth batter or a seventh batter. All I'm doing is trying to hit the ball hard somewhere."
However, Molina was unrestrained in his praise of the Giants pitchers -- "That's more important for me that the pitching did well" -- and for good reason.
Left-hander Jack Taschner stranded a runner on second base in the seventh inning by retiring Adrian Gonzalez, who was 3-for-3 off him last season.
Tyler Walker marooned another Padre on second in the eighth inning by fanning Khalil Greene, a career .319 hitter at AT&T Park entering the game, and Scott Hairston, who tormented the Giants with seven home runs last year.
After Wilson blew his first save opportunity in two chances, Hennessey took over and rebounded from three subpar outings in which he recorded a 24.00 ERA and allowed opponents to hit .600 off him.
"He saved us tonight," Bochy said.
Earlier, Lincecum propelled the Giants with a typically energizing performance. He allowed two singles but struck out the side in the first inning, fanned Bard with two on and two outs to end the fourth inning and, with two Padres aboard in the sixth and a run in, struck out Hairston and retired Bard to finish his outing.
The Giants actually received a break in that sixth inning after the Padres loaded the bases with nobody out. Gonzalez and Kevin Kouzmanoff singled and Lincecum hit Jim Edmonds with a pitch. Greene lifted a fly to deep left field that Daniel Ortmeier dropped. Gonzalez scored but Kouzmanoff, believing Ortmeier had caught the ball, returned to second base and was tagged out. Had Kouzmanoff gone halfway toward third, as baserunners often do, he might have scored.

Had some fun yesterday

So I had a really fun time yesterday. Took the day off to hang out with Alan today. Man we started off pretty good. Had breakfast in North Beach at Mama's. The food was very tasty. Then we went to our favorite biker dive bar in the Mission for the afternoon. It was a nice sunny day. We had a couple of pitchers of Stella a Hamburger and ot dog. You gotta love a bar that has this sign!